11/04/2011

hair


what is it with hair? why are women so desperately trapping the image of their feminine identity in their hair. or better yet MY hair?? as if we dont have enough gender stereotyping in the world at large, we must attach those ideals to our children etc.
iv been cutting my hair shorter&shorter since I passed 35. its liberating to me, its actually made me feel more feminine.
ive never looked back or wished it was longer again. well maybe the bangs.
my mother has always been self conscious to the point of it seeming crippling, I swear im not just being dramatic. those who dont know her clearly as well as I do assume its because she suffers from alopecia(hair loss). this I am not discounting in the slightest. but the fact is that she was always the type to put makeup on before going to the corner store, thought she was fat in that dress or frumpy in those pants&always assumed people(particularly younger women) were staring at her, makes this phase of her life different only in its severity. oh mamma. dont be silly id say. but now because of her hair loss I cant say anything that really makes her feel shes beautiful&attractive regardless. After all that comes from inside.
the hair or lack of it, is a huge deal. I get that. she said if I CAN grow my hair, then I should.
but whats sad is that she said I looked like a "dyke" when I cut my hair. in other words I looked "butchy" therefor not feminine&therefor NOT attractive.
this made me cut my hair shorter. then I faded it on the left side. it looked kick ass&everyone loved it. including the cute 26yr old boy I was seeing at the time.
I loved it even more cuz I did it my damn self! it was quite empowering, and still is.
but it brought to light an ugly truth about stepping outside the visual "norm". not only do people not like it, but they seem to take offence to it, as if they have some right to form some type of assumption about my sexual preference based on my hairstyle, as if they have some personal stake in the matter.
people responded as if they resented me(its just f***ing hair!!!) which seems to indicate some feeling of ownership, particularly in men. ohhh male entitlement, even in regards to complete strangers hair styles. men who were previously centered on staring at my a** were instantly pissed off that my hair posed as a distraction to their objectification of me i guess.
a particular level of disappointment goes to the guys who treated me with such disdain I actually felt physically threatened. and iv never felt that way in my goddamn life.
yet still my hair is short, as it will remain so, due to be shaved down on the left side again. I remain fierce in the assumption that it makes choosing new friends quite simple, either take me as I am, or dont take me at all.
so for me, nothings changed ;)

10/09/2011

small injustice. still injustice.

apparently I have to write this post in "edit html" format. so here goes:

Its funny how 2 years ago really does still feel like two months. My bff said it wasn't "a big deal". This was after the miserable desk cop who I sought information from treated me like the gum he had just scraped off his shoe.
Why did he treat me like this? Because I inquired about my own arrest. My own arrest that I was told, would never show on my record. Why you wonder? Because I provided some assistance to the drug squad of our fine local police force, in order to stop a crack cooking operation in my then apartment building. I'm not a user nor have I ever been one, nor have I ever been a rat. I simply called our local police forces non emerg line, several times to make complaints of drug activity in the basement of my apartment building. The drug squad undercover van had been parked in the church parking lot across the street for weeks, yet crack cocaine was still being cooked in the lower unit. Users/dealers were coming in&out constantly while they sat but did nothing. I understand there is a process, they need to build a case, but when more than one resident calls to complain, citing that the superintend ant of their building is selling, cooking&hiding crack cocaine throughout the building!? How much more bloody evidence do you need?
I was told I would need to physically go in the unit and see for myself, I was told I might be arrested as well. In exchange for those small details, that I would receive nothing marring my record. Well, they lied. So "no big deal"? No. it's a huge deal.
They arrested and. processed every individual in the unit, as they said "if no one cops to the drugs, all of you are going in". They put my dear gentle giant of a friend on the floor to handcuff him. He was doing nothing wrong, he was being respectful and co-operating. Too bad he is big&black. They asked each of us if we had jobs. Like that has any hing to do with using or making crack cocaine.
On the way down to the station I was put in a cruiser w a sobbing neighbor, only more annoying was having to listen to the sarcastic antics of one drug squad cop who had a dealers phone, and kept answering it to taunt callers.
Once we were all processed we were all given the standard interview. They already knew I had been just one of the callers to complain about the drug activity. However apparently that wasn't enough. They wanted me to testify too. I declined.
I spent several hrs in cell, only to be let out to walk home(approx 25min walk from downtown), however the individual who was actually responsible for the drug activity, not only was let out hrs earlier w no charges, but was also called a cab.

Days after my arrest, captain of the squad shows up@ my door requesting info about drug activity occurring in the same unit. Again I declined the opportunity to "rat out" my neighbor. Could anyone blame me?
Last year I took the stand and I signed as an assurity for the husband of a good friend of mine. The crown, in an effort to discredit me, brought up the arrest.
I reminded her that question I answered on the assurity form was still truthful, because I in fact, have never been charged with a crime for which a pardon has not been granted. The judge did not let me explain, more clearly he said "don't answer that. Counsellor, next question."
In this instance my rights were upheld, but clearly the information then is accessible by the justice system in Canada, therefor I do in fact, have a record.

When I went in to the Oshawa Police headquarters seeking more information I was told by both the desk clerk&desk officer that they "dint know what a municipal arrest record" was, obviously I was a little miffed. To which my response was "how can you not?".
I explained the incident w the crown and briefly described the incidents that would be on record. The desk officer irritated, went to sit down at the computer as if to look something up, then offhandedly said "clearly, you were a person of interest", to which I replied of course" I certainly was not, I was essentially an informant that assisted your officers in making an arrest."
"well" he said, visibly more agitated, promptly ceasing his feeble efforts to feign typing at the computer, " that's what you pay 60 bucks for", meaning that if I wanted to find out whether or not I had something on my record I was to pay for a standard police abstract.
Of course my frustration that I was told by the john Howard society across the street that only the police dept could look into my municipal record. The officer still insisted he didn't know what I was talking about.
"How is it possible then sir, that I can be detained in this very location, release on my own recognisance, with no charges, yet you have no way of looking up the record of that occurrence?". This query received a turned back, and a quiet joke session with another officer, Clary of higher rank, also laughing as they both sneered in my direction.
I in my regular fashion expressed my disappoint in the attitude I was given, to which the front desk admin piped up with " Well you know there's so much stuff we don't know, I mean there re so my things to know, we jut cant learn them all" as if to somehow save face.
She handed me a piece of paper with the number for an information release officer, who apparently coud "maybe give (me) some better information".
To date I've never relieved a response to my inquiry.

Walking back to my friends car, I ranted of course. She told me to "let it go". I could, in her defense say, easy for you to say type deal but no, because I would never EVER say that to anyone& I'm certainly not letting this go.

An interesting aside: I realized once driving off in the car, now cooled down sightly, the same officer who had treated me with such animist, had been the same gentleman who had helped me the year before, when my recent ex had been harassing me. He was more than accommodating then, still sitting behind that desk.

12/07/2008

fire burnts bright with
every cast glance
feeling so high despite
lack of substance

dirty windows on open doorways
live like no one knows
this is how it stays

treetops glisten with
fresh and free rain
all the angles run
against your grain

simple promise kept for only one
live like fireworks
rollin past the sun

but you dont know it babe
or you dont show may
be you do

every time i can see
your my reality
that wont come true

why cant you be the one
to open up the sun
rise with me

so i can feel it too
couldnt deny it foolish
to be

cause we could so happy

show me the door that
opens your mind
reach within yourself
and you will find

secrets kept for
too long break you
feed into your fears
they can take you

down that dark road
where you will meet me
i will take you love just
come and seek me

passion feed you each
and every day
it will take you high
just follow my way