undefinable

sit back and reflect while i bun this
on all things that flow unexpected
the words and the thoughts
in my mind they got caught
took spirit long a whole new directive

take care and be good when you read this
don't read too much into just feel it
the sound of the tone
whether giggle or moan
just to watch me is so damn deceptive

wishin someone could give me a reason
to end this loveless winter season
i struggle and pout
but the words don't come out
could it be it was somethin i'm fearin

hold on just a second while i spark this
can't have you feelin too contented
with the way that i move
when you're up in the room
cause it ain't just your name that's up on it

just thought I'd let you know
so simple and elegant the way you flow
and I can't help but to say
how much I really loved the way...

"say that fast 365 times"

i can't say at this point that i really know what i'm looking for anymore.
happiness, fullfillment, inspiration, passion?
isn't that so cliche doesn't everyone want that?
then i would resign myself to plug away, just like everyone else.
then i would just submit to an ordinary life, with ordinary food and ordinary friends.
i would not look beyond my grasp and be the proverbial horse with blinders on.
i would not search for destiny, i would remain uninspired.
and i certainly, wouldn't be writing anything like this.

no dreams, no bigger picture, no thinking beyond the bounds
just kiddogcookclean

well i have an identity that rises and falls
and screams everending
in spite of it all
despite all the lacking of time or even faith
it always burns bright inside me
through every fall from grace
and it calls out so desperately
and it begs me not to throw away
all the projects i've dedicated my life to
all those things that make me stay
inspired on the right path, and observant to the core
it won't let me stop at kiddogcookclean
and simply whispers
"more"

more passion more purpose
more things to teach my son
through strife and through adversity
his mystery only just begun
the spirit that keeps me lifted
through every potential fall
has been the thread we've had in common
since the beginning of us all

oh it's cold out this winter, i can't remember heat in july,
feelin so strange now i don't wanna, do anything but just get high
stand beside me for a minute, cause i'm so torn up in my heart
can't stand my world without you in it, tell me baby let's make this start

fight out, guilty feelings got me tired
straight out, i put my heart on wire
no doubt, you're my reason not to fall apart
oh why, oh why, can't you be here all the time

all assumtions are forgiven, i know that's not what you're about
still just when i thought i knew it, somethin from behind came and shot me down
i met you once here by the wayside, never thought you'd mean so much to me
chance i come again cross your likeness, ever so humbled would i be

no doubt, made me feel somethin i wasn't supposed to
straight out, each look just made me closer to you
i'd fight out, all the battles this world will go through
oh why, oh why, can't you stay here and be mine

thought that last time was the last time, couldn't believe i was here again
maybe i could stay just for minute, but not if it's only to be your friend
can't stand to confuse all those those feelins', cause they're so mixed up in my heart
god forbid i lose this in an instant, baby come to me cause we're oceans apart

won't you help me-
cause i can't do this on my own
come and save me-
why did you have to leave me alone
i pray for your beauty-
just to see your love one more time
oh why, oh why-
in this world can i not find
you

oh it's cold out this winter, i can't remember heat in july,
feelin so strange now i don't wanna, do anything but look at your sky
stand beside me for a minute, cause i'm so torn apart
can't stand my world without you in it, tell me why you had to go and take my heart
with you

to whom it may concern

I sat here for 20 minutes, staring at the screen.
My last entry only a few hours ago, has me tied in in a strange sleeping pattern. It started more recently when I found out there was something wrong with the baby.
I guess I sat here staring at the screen because I felt like there should have been someone to call, somewhere to go to make sense of it. I was looking for some guidance and I realized that is not where I'll get it. I was feeling so distraught and had no idea who I could talk to.
Interesting: part of the reason why I stayed in contact with the mother of the baby, when so many others wouldn't was so that she would feel she was able to come to talk to me if she needed help.
By the time she called needing a shoulder to cry I didn't have one left to give. I couldn't stomach any sympathy.
By the time she called me asking for help her baby was dead.

More interesting even, is the fact that aid is in her life yet they were no where during her whole pregnancy.
They are supposed to visit regularly, but I have a suspicion that she avoided meeting with them. She would've risked losing custody of the baby and she knew it.
Her disability is to blame for none of it. She made a choice to NOT take care of her child. She let that baby bleed to death in her, and even if she's not responsible for putting the holes in her heart, she's certainly guilty of NOT trying to do everything in her power to have them patched up.

Now there isn't just her, in fact she's the most insignificant part of this whole equation.
Her children were expecting a sister to come home from the hospital, and a community, though grudgingly, was also waiting for the new addition to arrive.
What she is coming back to is more than an empty belly, but an empty house and an empty life with no friends because all her friends feel betrayed by her own depraved indifference. We also feel responsible, although I won't speak for all of us, I know others are feeling it too. Why didn't I just call her mother, or her caseworker?
Maybe I should have given an ultimatum, threatened to tell her mom or caseworker if she didn't herself.

I resent being subjected to this feeling, I resent her looking for sympathy, I writhe at the idea of her continuing to be a mother, yet I know I have no right to judge. There's only One who will do that.

end of the rope

So it's like this: my friend's baby is dead.
I'm angry. I'm so angry I could rip everything apart but it wouldn't change how responsible this whole community is for enabling the young woman who was to give birth to her.
Her: a daughter.
A daughter who was not breast fed not held not named not given a chance even to be spared the trauma of trying to develope with a heart full of holes.
A daughter who's mother I will never talk to again.
I can hear my father's voice ringing in my ears, singing a "never say never".
A daughter's mother who I will never look at the same way.
A daughter's mother who refused to go to the doctor until she was almost to give birth, to the baby who's heart was bleeding.
A daughter's mother who had pulled the same stunt twice before, both due to claims of ignorance.

Her belly felt like dead weight underneath the pressure of my hands, and I never in my heart believed that the baby was moving like she said. I never saw it, not like with my mj. Not a flutter, not a shift, but still and solid.
I did nothing.
I begged her to prove me wrong, I yelled at her to go to the doctor I told her to show me she'd do it. I told her I was scared one of them could die, with out knowing what was going inside her body.
There was silence on the other end. She said nothing.
I felt so strongly about it some days that it made me sick and I didn't want to see her and that belly that was growing with what seemed like no life and still I did nothing.
I want to scream. I could run 10 circuits until I puke, but nothing will ride this out, nothing can burn up this feeling, this feeling will only have it's way with me and I'll let it.
I want to get as far away from the memory of that dead weight because it screams at me, and it gets louder and louder until I think I will go mad.
What does a situation like this really tell anyone?
Am I trying to psycholanalyze, or poiliticize, am I going to try and classify this situation as the worst thing I've seen even? Am I or will I ever make excuses for her again?

Never...

Never walk through the snow just to get to your door
never talk to you about a feeling
never remind you of all the things in store
see you quiet in church, kneeling

Oh but I loved your baby girl
And I know somehow you do
not long was her stay warm in this world
for being neglected by you

thinkin of makin a move

Yup. Bye London.
I've already left really, and wasn't here to stay anyways.
Still I had an ideal of what could've been, but it wasn't. I don't know what it was that I was expecting, to be honest. I came here with nothing, and still don't have much, though I've sustained a greater quality of life since moving here. My aunts will be pissed, they'll think I'm doing the wrong thing, that's it's not fair to MJ, but really, how fair is it to stay here when I know that it's not our future? So many things wanted but none of them will be attained if we stay here. MJ wants to get into acting, he won't get anywhere out here. I hate changing things for him so much, but there's a higher purpose to it all. I won't be hasty and just jump into something that's not solid. It can only be certain if I've got a solid job opportunity plus a decent neighborhood to live in, of which there are several still in Tdot. I'm lookin at Markham and we'll see if it's meant to be...

"and now for something completely different..."

So this internet situation had me thinkin today. Seems that after all, it's not so different than normal dating(which is really abnormal in fact), only that you get a better chance to preview what someone might have instore for you. However that doesn't cover the creeps and the freeks. But for them-it's like they have a neon sign above their name saying "don't chat with me". LOL, truly you can feel it. There's one man in particular that I've chatted with and he was certainly well spoken and polite, but he gave me the willies. And that was only from MSN!? You gotta know to stay away from that one. Plus he was a lawyer. Enough said.
But it's the ones I end up diggin that get me caught up in what to do. We all know it has to go somewhere at some point, but how do you judge when or where that should be? I mean, we all know the dangers of meeting up with a stranger from online, but what happens when you don't consider them stranger anymore?
Maybe it seems silly or unrealistic, but there is something somewhat romantic about taking your chance just to see if it's possible to run into something that you haven't seen a million times before.
I say this because there is one like that. I have a few men I talk to on a regular basis who's conversation I enjoy and I would even love to hang out with. But(big but lol), there is one that has me going-now how can he be that cool. See it's harder when you've heard the sound of their voice on the phone, for 2hrs straight and without a yawn of boredom. It wasn't just because it was new, it was because he was that cool.
I've thought about it so much from time to time that I'm making myself sick just writing this, so I'm gonna stop.
I figure, if it's meant to be, it'll be.
Kinda like Markham, or Scarborough, or wherever it is that I truly belong.

pass that s***

Stuck in the house today and things are flowing like crazy, maybe it's the snow. Who said it was only good for forts and angels. I always claimed to hate it but found my true appreciation for it last night on the phone with my aunt. That's when I decided to stay hibernating this weekend instead of going to the family Christmas Party. I know I know, I do have an obligation to be there, but this weekend it's about me, my son, my dog, my music, my blog. That's it that's all, I can't even justify going to Tdot, though I love it.
Dragging my son and I through the snow to the Greyhound station, arranging for someone to take care of the dog, dealing with snow and slush and horrible road conditions, then traffic in Toronto too-not to mention spending over a bill just to get there and back, a couple weeks before Christmas when I'm going in for Christmas anyways, is just ridiculous. See in London today we got ourselves a municipal emergency. Don't go anywhere unless it's not totally necessary. I guess going to work and making money would be a necessity, but I can't do that if the buses aren't running. And well, they ain't runnin.
(So I pop in and out of slang, so what!lol. I can be a proper lady and a B**** with attitude, it depends on what hat I need to wear to get me through the day)
I can say wholeheartedly with confidence that this is going to be a productive winter creatively. I 've got tons of inspiration right now and I will stop at nothing to let it all out. My one committment to myself this weekend is to hook up keyboard and mic to the computer and away I will go through the night.
See as time passes, and I age mentally, I appreciate staying home-and of course this winter forces me to do that. But then what do you do when you're bored. Well I'm not a person who can justify staying bored as I have so many things to occupy my time. Alot of those things that occupy my time that I hate doing, but of course I do them anyways. Kinda like work: I hate it, but I like eating more than I hate work. So the answer is simple. The answers that are not simple are the emotional ones, the ones that have you asking yourself questions so much you have your brain running in circles. The ones that pose something to you ethically, something had not yet ironed out as good or bad. Those two categories are so confining that they are almost not relevent depending on the day. What could be good tonight could be baad tomorrow. It all depends.
So what's good today is that I got my hands on a new Nas track! What a beat. I'm also diggin on some RnB stuff, but really it's Hip Hop that gives me stamina. I won't get into why for now, that would be a whole other post. In fact I could dedicate a couple different blogs to the whole culture and hows it affected me musically.
But really, I have life to get back to hibernating in all it's glory.
There will be more later no doubt...

blah

like a lady bug in the winter
to melt down loves frozen splinter
you gotta hold on to the future
with all you got...

Hmmmm...I don't know why I'm still up. Maybe it was the beer and...with the neighbor?
Maybe it's just me.
I can't get offline without peeping for a certain somebody. I won't get into that just yet.
Ever since the "friend" and I haven't been friends, I tell you I've been in a mood of sorts that I cannot shake.
I am NOT hung up on this person, certainly not.
He did not give me enough of himself to be hung up on to tell you the truth.
I truly think its that "it" factor that I'm after, something that would look better than anything else I've ever seen.
Well, no one has been able to do that. Well who am I kidding: big man did that but for a minute.
I'm not complaining though, honestly I would be just as happy to not have anyone in my life right now since no man I know can ever be held by his word.

Who dare cross this b**** I tell ya-must have some big cahones. For real.
Every day I go to work, on the same bus at the same time and see the same people.
I even listen to the same mix tape on my cd player: slow jams, because that's just my thing these days.
I'm sick of the monotany, I'm even sick of the wrong smell of pavement(Toronto's is better), the wrong restaurants, wrong clubs; I'm sick of the wrong men, the wrong "friends". Everything seems discoloured.
But yet there are still times, very seldom though they are, that I can seperate from all the repetitive jargon and dribble that these people spew to eachother, under the guise of being genuine.
I take myself out of it, and my world's just fine: it's in fact, everyone else that's f*****.

And let's talk about the F word since I used that atleast once recently.
WTF is up! What happened to integrity? It certainly does not exist in this town; it's a theme, definate.
It's so boring, I can tell people what they're about to do before they do it.
Does that make em listen!HELL NO! That's what it's all about though; not them. You.
You are the only one who posess free will, of your self. Let it not get twisted ladies: you are not responsible for every drunken whore friend of yours, nor are you responsible for the thugs, or the cheaters. Everyone has to grow up sometimes, and there's no time like the present.
So move on, move past, whatever you need to do, just get over yourself already.
Leave your baggage at the door.

more...

More time.
Because there aren't enough hrs in the day to check off all the items on the to-do list.
Kidworkdogcookclean. Say that fast 365 times.
I write it like that because it really should be one word.
So when I come across someone or something that makes time stop for a minute? I savour it.
It could be the moment that you step back and watch the world unfolding in front of you.
It could be the only time you exhale throughout the day.
It may come from a source previously overlooked, but now brought out into the open for you to truly see.
You can't imagine how you existed without it.
You can't remember breathing, seeing in colour
You can't remember what made you want to scream from your gut, run til ya drop, laugh out loud: if not for this?

I don't want to put all my bids on one item, or all my eggs in one basket, which ever cliche you want to attach to the feeling that is "this" . I won't peg down exactly what source it came from, in fact I'm just as pleased to not define the feeling at all.

I prefer to turn turn all my senses up on high,
and just Be.

"Hilarial"

Well isn't this interesting-it seems I logged onto to blogger to find my recently started blog, and found this old one instead!!!
"Hilarial" is a word my sis has used over the years and I thought that it was quite appropriate for today's situation.
Seems it was winter then when I published my last post, and it's just about to start again.woohoo.
Can you hear the sarcasm?
Listen close, it's not always that loud.lol.

Rediscovery seems to be a theme of recent days and here's why:

• Rediscovered the "blog"(which has been a sore spot of my mother's recently with the onslaught of public education re:psycho that killed some people and had a blog)
• Rediscovered Black Planet(Homer says "mmmm.....voyeurism")
• Rediscovered that my friend F**** is not such a friend at all. AGAIN. Plus he has a stupid name, who names their kid F****????

So what does one do with all this renewed reverence!?

Dance on it...to Ciara's "Promise".lmao-hottest slow jam right now I challenge anyone to convince me otherwise. Sounds suspiciously Prince-ish., but who's complaining?

The blogging, well, it's just an avenue to vent daily frustrations in a creative way, and it's easier on the hands than writing. Black Planet, well that is just another cure to another daily frustration which is the men in London-or lack thereof(apparently the ratio of men to women is like 3-1 ugh-I guess it would be great if I was a lesbian: "not that there's anything wrong with that");it seems I have found a great medium in which to pick men to talk to, and one which I have total control over.

What could be better than checking pics of hot guys(just like shopping-oooo!),purely for my own enjoyment, with absolutely no commitment, not to mention unwanted pregnancies, std's, abuse and or death.

Grrrreat!Sign me up.

I have many people in my life who say "why not just go to a bar?"

Well been there done that.NOT PRETTY. This way, if I don't want to talk to someone because they're creeping me out or just being rude I can block them. A neighbor just recently said she wished that we could do that to men we know and have to see on a regular basis.

Can you imagine?Let's "paint the picture" as my Sales Manager would say: invisble box, mime style comes up and man gets bounced away with a deep booming voice informing them that their "BLOCKED". Man runs away confused and ALONE.

How much would we pay for that service ladies????Immeasurable amounts.

Maybe even more than we spend on haircare and make up combined.

P.S. I didn't get into the F**** thing, because well, he's BLOCKED.