to whom it may concern

I sat here for 20 minutes, staring at the screen.
My last entry only a few hours ago, has me tied in in a strange sleeping pattern. It started more recently when I found out there was something wrong with the baby.
I guess I sat here staring at the screen because I felt like there should have been someone to call, somewhere to go to make sense of it. I was looking for some guidance and I realized that is not where I'll get it. I was feeling so distraught and had no idea who I could talk to.
Interesting: part of the reason why I stayed in contact with the mother of the baby, when so many others wouldn't was so that she would feel she was able to come to talk to me if she needed help.
By the time she called needing a shoulder to cry I didn't have one left to give. I couldn't stomach any sympathy.
By the time she called me asking for help her baby was dead.

More interesting even, is the fact that aid is in her life yet they were no where during her whole pregnancy.
They are supposed to visit regularly, but I have a suspicion that she avoided meeting with them. She would've risked losing custody of the baby and she knew it.
Her disability is to blame for none of it. She made a choice to NOT take care of her child. She let that baby bleed to death in her, and even if she's not responsible for putting the holes in her heart, she's certainly guilty of NOT trying to do everything in her power to have them patched up.

Now there isn't just her, in fact she's the most insignificant part of this whole equation.
Her children were expecting a sister to come home from the hospital, and a community, though grudgingly, was also waiting for the new addition to arrive.
What she is coming back to is more than an empty belly, but an empty house and an empty life with no friends because all her friends feel betrayed by her own depraved indifference. We also feel responsible, although I won't speak for all of us, I know others are feeling it too. Why didn't I just call her mother, or her caseworker?
Maybe I should have given an ultimatum, threatened to tell her mom or caseworker if she didn't herself.

I resent being subjected to this feeling, I resent her looking for sympathy, I writhe at the idea of her continuing to be a mother, yet I know I have no right to judge. There's only One who will do that.