baad again...

I really do love my job, I have to say that every once in a while to make me realize I how lucky I am to still have it. Me lounging at home today really does put my full time hours in jeopardy, but I have to organize this house.
All the ridiculousness of Christmas wrapping, gifts, boxes, stupid ornaments I didn't put up-and all those lovely bit and pieces of weird things lying around that I owe my dog a big thank you for. All those are getting properly dealt with today TRULY!My son is no help of course, which is to be expected, but he seems to respond well to being given a task, which is impressive. Of course money is a good motivator these days with him, and I really would rather not encourage that too much. Though I guess there's no harm in rewarding the boy financially for all his hard work. That's just it, the work's never hard that I give him to do, AND, he usually doesn't do much if it!
There's got to be some convenient solution for both of us.
Recently, there has been such a huge between us that it has killed a good amount of life enjoyment. It is currently the biggest thorn in my side of course, because he is ultimately the most important person in my life. I did not suffer and sacrifice everything, just to raise him amongst constant emotional conflict. My family is no help, and will continue that way, so it's really up to me to pull up my boot straps and handle it like the head of the household that I am.
Maybe it's his male nature that's coming into fruition, and his Mom is just a little slow to catch up. He certainly seems to be making moves to assert himself as the man of the house(which I'm all for if he doesn't get disrespectful), and I guess I wasn't ready to accept the fact that this is a natural process.
I am currently the man of the house!
Hey, sounds weird, but I am everything, and it's really hard to manage that presence when you've got your hands in so many pockets, trying to gather all the lose change in each of the million pairs of pants you own.
But to maintain my status as idealist: there must be a way to manage all these roles and not feel cheated or beleaguered at the end of the day. I don't want to be emotionally exhausted everyday, but when I have to be quicker to recognize the feeling and take a load off every once in a while. It gets boring.
In fact the pattern him and I have had of argument after argument has gotten real tired, real fast and it's killing the joy of having such a cool kid to call my son. He has so much potential and I don't want to see it go to waste because he's trying to rebel against me. Maybe I have to stop giving him so many reasons to do rebel in the first place...
I have yet to find an adequate plan of action to follow through with, I've had many wonderful ideas on managing his emotional outburst, but I've run out of creativity for the most part. And it's definitely not for lack of trying.
But I am a resourceful woman, and I'm not about to let this run me down, because if I'm run down so is he and no good can ever come out of that.
The complication is that I have a renewed sense of self that needs recognizing, and that will also be a challenge for him to accept. However, there has been so much emphasis on the negative in our mother/son relationship, that both our senses of selves seem to get lost in the commotion. I am screaming for him to recognize, and he's screaming back. Maybe if we both shut up, we'll be able to her what the other one in trying to get across. I must admit, I have been unwilling to listen for quite some time, due to his unruly behavior.
I was dedicated to pull through the overwhelming ordeal that was the process of bringing him into the world, and I am ever more dedicated to the process of letting him develop positively, so that he can always be the center of my universe, with no intermission and always be my world.
That seems so heavy a thought due to the fact of his young age, but I refuse to let this hiatus develop into a situation where he'll be so quick to get away from me(as he gets older), that he'd be willing to get himself into serious trouble, just to avoid being home with me.
I do see that happening, it happened already with my mother and I, so knowing what I know I'd be a complete and utter fool to let it happen again.
Off to clean dishes, love the dog and spread some positive vibes throughout this chaotic house...til next thought.